drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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