Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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