I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
