She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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