I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
