i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
