Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Then you guys just all showered together...?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
