is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
