Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh god it's open bar.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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