I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
