I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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