My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
