Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
