Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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