I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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