1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
