Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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