I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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