I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
