you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
