I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
