Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
