i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
