im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
