I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
