I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
