you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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