i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
