I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
