really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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