I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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