Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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