when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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