My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
