god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
