Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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