Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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