Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
