mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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