Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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