Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
