I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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