Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
