Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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