No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
