Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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