I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
