They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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