No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
