Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Randomize
