Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
