Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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