Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
