It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
